Ernest Scared Stupid

1991

I think the number one issue I have with scary movies for children is that there is no continuity to the mythology of the antagonist. And also that if kids really need to be scared, we don’t need to sugar coat it. Hand them a book of old German nursery rhymes. Or show them pictures of vintage Halloween costumes. That shit would give me nightmares for weeks.

However, back to the plot developments. If you’re going to create a film for children about the existence of trolls and parents who let their kids hang out with a redneck garbage man, then I’m going to need some more explanations. I’ve never seen any of the other Ernest movies so maybe there is a thread of plot lines that I’m unaware of, but as an independent viewing, I was so confused.

Eartha Kitt plays a steampunk hoarder who is also a witch of some sort. Her actual identity isn’t really defined, but we do know that she has a tree on her property that harbors a troll from over a hundred years ago. Unfortunately three kids want a bully-free tree house and start trespassing on her property which is full of scary shadows and fog machines. Of course they pick the troll tree and set to work on creating an impenetrable fortress and inadvertently waking up the troll.

Now that the troll is released into the world, we find out what he wants: children’s souls. This is fair enough, but why? Are they delicious? Does it give the troll power? Does it make the troll prettier? These all may be true, but it seems as if the troll turns the children into a wooden statue, then places the wood in holes in his tree and this causes his troll babies to grow in pods. So his lust for innocent souls is actually just part of his asexual reproduction cycle. Circle of life.

Ernest somehow gets involved in all of this because the city needs him to clean up the hoarder witch’s property. Obviously he’s not going to do this because he’s a terrible garbage man who is easily distracted. He also has an undiagnosed multiple personality disorder, which is uses as a catalyst to justify decisions he makes.

Ernest does try to warn the townspeople of the pending troll attacks, but no one seems to care when children start to go missing, so why would they listen to a bumbling idiot. By this point in my horror movie experiment, I’ve realized that townspeople need to start listening to the babbling fool more and their rational thinking less, lest they be attacked by evil. Ernest realizes it is a lost cause and heads to get some troll-fighting materials from his local convenience store which is run by a couple of old con men.

Between some reading with the witch and context clues, the kids figure out that the troll’s weakness is milk. Not much reason behind this then it is “a mother’s care.” So since trolls come from pods, they must hate everything motherly. At least this is my theory. The kids attack all the troll pods (who have now hatched) and Ernest goes after the main (Poppa/Overlord/Alpha?) troll with hugs and love. The terrible beings are now destroyed, the witch gets her missing family (who no one knew about) back, and the town can go back to abusing Ernest and ignoring their children! Happy ending for everyone!