Being a Millennial is difficult. Look at these people above. You have to make sure all your friends are attractive and happy, and every friendship circle needs at least one sassy person who just doesn’t give a shit about what people think of them.

To make matters worse, no one understands you, because no one even knows who you are. We think the scientists have narrowed it down to a gene in your body that is between 12-30 years old. However, even that doesn’t make any sense because lots of us have genes in our body. So until the sciencemen and doctors give us a definitive explanation of “Millennial,” I will do my best to help out the current group of teens, college students, and post college dregs on society who need direction.

For my first post on Millennial Maladies, I will be writing about weight loss and exercise today. As a millennial, we are constantly being bombarded with fast-weight loss promises (cocaine and meth) as well as unattainable bodies (Kim Kardashian’s photoshopped ass). This can make your head spin (and not just from the illegal Mexican Phen-Fen you bought off a guy named Pedro selling oranges on the freeway). So I want to break it down into a simple DO/DON’T list that doctors and Cosmopolitan love so much. Please let me know your success stores, as I am always looking for new and different ways to help out my fellow Millennials. I would also like to hear your failure stories, as I pride myself in feeling superior to other Millennials.

(**Please note, I am NOT a doctor, but I have the student loan debt of one which makes me qualified to make these statements below)

• DO drink lots of water, because it is free. But you don’t want to look like a Frugal Franny, so make sure to call it “Organic spring fed water, infused with minerals.” You’ll be the envy of all the idiots.
• DO get a job that makes you overworked and underpaid. Luckily, there are many of these jobs available, but make sure to only accept a position where you do the work of 4-10 people. Then immerse yourself in work so much that you get to the point of being so busy where you forget basic human functions, such as freedom and hunger.
• DO make sure you work as much overtime as possible, to make sure you are so tired when you get home that you can’t even eat.
• Speaking of sleeping, DO this fun and FREE hobby called “napping.” If you’re not awake, you can’t eat. Also sleep helps you burn calories and save you from crippling depression that comes from inadequacy to become a productive member of society.
• DON’T have children. This contributes to extremely uncontrollable weight gain for both men and women, and the food they give to children nowadays is just riddled with calories. Since that is the only food you will be able to afford when you have children, you will have to eat it too.
• DO get an animal that needs so much love and attention that the only way to stop it from being so needy is to exercise it to the point of exhaustion. This means you will also need to exercise, you can’t just let it run off its leash. Make sure to get an animal bred for fighting and dominance. The aggressive nature of the beast will ensure you cannot let it out of your sight. I suggest a junkyard dog or a prize-winning rooster.
• DO become friends with drug dealers. Now, don’t mistake this with becoming a drug dealer yourself. That’s illegal. However, it is NOT illegal to be friends with scumbags (yet). Drug dealers like hanging out on street corners, which is outside. You will get plenty of fresh air and often times you will need to run at a moment’s notice if cops or rival drug dealers show up. This keeps you up to fit on your cardio. Prostitutes are also good friendships to employ.
• DO take hand-me-down clothing from people who are the size you would like to be. The motivation to not go outside in a burlap skirt and a towel sundress (men can call this “kilts” or “robe”), will push you to fit into clothes that currently do not fit you. You may get called a few names in the process (such as “skank” or “poor”) but the end results will be worth it, when you can finally fit into outdated clothing meant for someone else’s body type.
• DON’T get a gym memberships. They are too expensive. However, it can be difficult to get proper exercise if you live in a neighborhood that has mandated muggings to keep the crime levels up and rents down (this is called reverse gentrification, or “rentrifcation”). Yet, if you are creative, you can stay fit even without a trainer. First of all, scope out nearby playgrounds. Since these are meant for children, they are usually the safest places in cities. Make note of how the children are playing to establish an accurate and efficient exercise. Slowly circle the perimeter to get all visual angles of the work outs. Ask the children lots of questions, like “How often do you come here?” and “What exercise is best for your abs?”. Most children are very willing to share their workout secrets. If their parents are suspicious of your activity, just run away to the next playground. Again, bursts of cardio are very good for the heart and self-esteem.

I hope you enjoy these suggestions. Please do not write me if you get arrested or fined for any of the above activities. I am not a lawyer, so you cannot blame me for not knowing your local laws.