Solomon Kane

2009

Although this movie has witches, zombies, demons, and shadow ghosts, it’s not exactly a horror movie. It’s more like an “evil adventure” movie. Which probably should be its own genre by now, since “demon slayer” seems to be a favorite among Hugh Jackman characters. But I’ll just wait for the stage musicals to know when a new genre has taken off, thanks very much.

The movie starts with Solomon Kane, played by James Purefoy (famous for living in medieval times, according to his IMDb profile), slaying soldiers in North Africa in 1600. As only the most typical bad ass soldier would do, Solomon does a beautiful “walk and murder” choreography until he and his men come upon the room they were looking for: a bowl of gold. Of course, it is guarded by a hall of mirrors and ghost shadows who kill all Solomon’s men. That’s fine, more for Solomon. However, his glee is quickly put on a ice (literally) when the devil’s reaper shows up and says he’s there to collect Solomon’s soul. Solomon says nope, and jumps out the window.

He didn’t die, though. That would have been a terrible movie if he did because he didn’t even get a chance to shave his stupid beard. Instead we find him hiding out in a monastery, giving himself tattoos and being a “man of God.” However, the monks have had enough. They tell Solomon he’s bumming everyone out and should probably leave. They thank him first, for all the money and riches he gave them, but come on, this isn’t a charity.

So Solomon begrudgingly begins wandering across the countryside, only to come across highway robbers who knock him out and steal his books. Luckily he is saved by a nice Puritan family who is on their way to America. Solomon goes with them since they are God-loving folk, and that’s the path he’s rocking right now. He even gets the look, when they give him a sweet Pilgrim hat, complete with a buckle and all.

Of course, they couldn’t just have a nice journey to America. They have to get stopped by a evil witch, then a marauding band of possessed skinheads, and eventually a demon named Malachi’s right hand man. The patriarch and younger sons are killed while the daughter is kidnapped to be sold into slavery. With his dying words, the father tells Solomon if he rescues the daughter, Meredith, Solomon’s soul will be saved. Fair deal, Solomon figures, and heads off to find the girl, leaving the mother with a bunch of her family’s corpses to clean up. Real nice, Kane.

Solomon meets up with a priest who is hoarding zombies for the devil, which seems completely natural in this universe. He escapes that level of crazy, only to end up thinking Meredith is dead. So he sells some horses he found and starts drinking himself to death. Luckily, he is in a pub with some of his old naval crew who try to convince him to “get back out there.” Solomon dismisses them, but is thankful they stick around because after he escapes an attack and crucifixion by the possessed skinheads, he rounds up the soldiers and head towards the castle where the head demon is hiding out (which happens to be Solomon’s home before his dad kicked him out).

I guess you can go home again, because Solomon is able to sneak into the castle and starts fighting the black-eyed guards and going after the Malachi’s right hand man. Bummer again, he finds out it is his slightly immortal brother who Solomon had thought died when they were younger (Solomon’s fault). Using his “buckle power” I assume, he is able to get stabbed but still kill his brother (for realsies this time), the mirror demon, and the sorcerer demon Malachi that was controlling and ruining everything for everybody. He’s also able to rescue Meredith because he really, really needs his soul back.

The final scene is Solomon talking to the grave of his father and brother, promising that he will probably have to fight again but this time it will be for good. I’m not too sure why he cares about these two so much. His father kicked him out when he was a kid and his brother was a big jerk-face. Maybe it was the Pilgrim hat talking, but God and family and forgiveness seem to be his main reason for going on to murder more people. I can’t wait until he finally gets to America.