This movie answers the age-old question:

What if my feelings are hurt, buuuut I’m also a super clever murdering ego-manic?

The answer, as always, is Vincent Price.

The film begins when a theater critic is called to a tenement where he is on the board of some gentrification project. There are squatters who are supposedly causing trouble. Although when the critic arrives, he realizes these aren’t regular squatters. These are bums versed in the art (and art of murder) of Shakespeare. The BumBards attack and kill the critic, prompting the most fun murder spree London has seen since Jack the Ripper. And with equally dumb and drunk cops.

An actor, Edward Lionheart, is behind the orchestration of all the murders. He is/was a prolific Shakespearean actor who was snubbed by a critic’s circle for their annual award. He takes his revenge by faking his own death, then coming back a year later with costumes and wigs to perpetuate the murders from the Shakespeare plays onto each of the critics. Actors: So fucking dramatic you want to set yourself on fire. Which, is the fate of one critic.

Now you might be like, wait, not EVERY Shakespeare play has a gruesome murder in it. Okay, you’re right, but like 87% of them do. This is why I don’t understand when parents get up in arms when their teens watch super angst-y shows. “How dare you let my kid be exposed to murder-suicide romance in 13 Reasons Why,” as they head to Amazon to buy their kid a required copy of the murder-suicide romance, Romeo and Juliet. 

Anyway, the killings continue, because thanks to the unwavering arrogance of the remaining theater critics. Their colleagues are being murdered by the buckets-full, but a late night dye-and-set hair appointment is completely necessary. Everyone in this movie deserved what they got. Except maybe the BumBards. They were just a group of tramps, looking for a leader, and got a revenge-seeking psychopath instead.

The best part of the movie is Lionheart’s daughter and sidekick, Edwina, played by Olenna Tyrell (She has a real name, I just take a drink every time I see a Game of Thrones actor in a horror movie. I’ve been drunk since October 5). However, if murder and gore are not for you, may I suggest watching it for the sweet gymnastics/early parkour moves by Vincent Price (‘s stuntman). Epic fight dancing ALL around. Two tipped epees WAY up.

This movie really was completely original, and that should be applauded. I’m really excited to see someone try to make this with other playwrights’ works. Arthur Miller? Tennessee Williams? Neil Simon…yeah, I could see Felix murdering Oscar over misusing a dishrag. I’m not saying I have ALL the ideas, screenwriters, just some of the best ones.